Pawan has witnessed the changing times. He has been through several social and cultural transformations. Amid all the advancement, sometimes he feel he lost his old self far behind. Now, his son has taken an unexpected path and Pawan is trying his best to track his footprints and get a glimpse of his older self.
The long-lost friend
“C’mon Pawan, you can’t possibly think
this is possible,” Pawan’s brother-in-law, Madan, leered at him.
Pawan didn’t say anything. Slowly, he
closed his eyes, his grip tightening on the gun’s trigger. The noise around was
distracting, he admitted. But then, the hustle and bustle were as much as it
should be in an old school fair like this. However, it was nothing new to
Pawan, even though it had been decades since he attended such a fair.
“Concentrate,” Pawan thought to
himself, his eyes still closed, his fingers firmly keeping the gun straight. A
few slides passed through his memory; when he used to shoot at guavas with his
catapult and when he used to practice shooting in the NCC range. His friends
and other schoolmates didn’t use to call him a ‘sharp shooter’ for nothing.
Gradually, he opened his eyes and
stared deeply into the burning wick of the candle that was dangling from the
thread from the distance. Its flame was directionless and irregular, or at
least it seemed so, but not to Pawan.
Before he even pulled the trigger, he
knew that the shrapnel from the toy gun was going to blow the dangling candle out.
That is exactly what happened.
There was an uninterrupted silence for
a while. It seemed that the entire fair was numb for a moment witnessing what
just had happened. Pawan looked at his brother-in-law, who was staring with his
mouth wide open at the blown candle, which was still dangling from the thread.
Pawan looked at his 10-year-old son
Pavitr and his 9-year-old daughter, Rohini, who were staring at the candle too
with similar expressions. However, unlike Madan’s disbelieve, they were rather
in awe.
Pawan couldn’t help smiling; the same
reaction from the audience, which he had been receiving for decades now.
Though he felt things have changed.
He knew things have changed.
While exiting the fair, passing
through the rides and laughter of children, the pandemonium at various food and
toy stalls, Pawan couldn’t help thinking of his past, an era gone long ago and
which sometime felt like another lifetime.
When it came to action, Pawan was
always a hyperactive kid. Whether it was the playground or school, Pawan always
felt a surge of adrenaline from quite a young age.
He used to climb the numerous guava
and mango trees in his home’s backyard in minutes and when his father used to
return from office, he used to climb down and rush inside the home with the
equal speed.
Similarly, he was good at studies,
more than often better than the rest of his classmates, especially when it came
to science and maths.
Pawan spent his childhood in several
towns. As his father was a state government official, he was habitual of living
in Victorian era quarters that often used to have huge garden compounds with
numerous trees and creatures, including snakes.
Pawan belonged to a time when
technology was yet to become an integral part of the society and digital
advancements were still a thing of future. Being the smallest kid in the
family, Pawan was the most beloved member and his father often complained to
his mother about his daredevilry being the outcome of excess of love. However,
his complaints were always used to be half hearted.
***
"Arre galti se tukka lag gaya aur kya," Madan was still refusing to believe what he witnessed from his own eyes as he desperately tried to point it out to his wife and Pawan's wife.
“Tukka kya laga,” Pawan’s sister
protested, “He has been doing it since a kid, it’s nothing new to him.”
“Even though I was not expecting it
after such a long time,” she looked at Pawan, “It has been years.”
Their conversation brought back Pawan
to the present. He looked around himself. A cold breeze swept through his face
from nowhere, as if it came from a distant place, where he was still a carefree
kid, full of ambitions and with a fire constantly burning inside his belly. He
tried to look at the direction of the breeze, but it was all dark, engulfed in
the grayish clouds. He sighed.
It has been a long journey, Pawan said
to himself, a really long one.
If school was the birth of Pawan’s
passion, college only fueled it with his determination to be one of the best
in his field; chemistry and biology. He was popular, he was liked by his
professors and batch-mates and even though Pawan never admitted it to himself,
he had a suspicion a few girls used to eye him with a rather adoring
expression, almost lovingly.
However, it was a tough journey from
home to college, and Pawan was more than determined to make the most out of it.
Even though in the later life things
didn’t turn as he was expecting it to be, his knack of following anything passionately
that he pursued bore fruits and he achieved great many success.
He was happy, and satisfied and why he
shouldn’t be? His wife loved him immeasurably and always stood by his side in
the most difficult of his times, he was financially and emotionally well
settled and he had two kids whom he loved a lot.
He was happy.
Mostly.
Except for those short duration of
time when he was not so sure, not so certain.
Sometimes he felt that with advent of
life, he lost himself in the crowd way back long ago.
He still remembered that one time when
as a kid he was in a fair with his parents, he lost them in the crowd and was
horrified at the thought of losing them forever. Just when he was starting to
panic out, someone suddenly grabbed his hand. “Kaha dhyan rehta hai,” his
father scolded him. Pawan was so much relieved that he was unable to say
anything. He just hopped behind his father, smiling.
Now, at the age of 45, Pawan sometimes
felt as lost as he was back then.
However, his father was not there to
hold his hand anymore.
He was on his own.
***
Lost in these thoughts, Pawan realised
that before he knew it, he was no more the youngest kid of the family loved by
everyone and had grown into an adult burdened with all kinds of
responsibilities.
Loss was nothing new to Pawan. He had
lost people with advent of time; people who were closest to him, people with whom
he had some of the most precious memories of his life. He had seen them bidding
goodbye untimely and when he least expected it. Pain and suffering were
something that Pawan had learnt how to master and channel into a positive
energy.
At NCC, Pawan was taught a lot of life
values and discipline lessons that always helped him to tackle various
difficulties throughout his life. in a nutshell, even if Pawan felt that he had
lost his true self somewhere far behind, he had made peace with it, had gracefully
accepted his present and was satisfied with it.
Except for that one thing.
Recently, Pawan had started to feel
that he was not being able to understand his son properly. Pavitr was a good
kid. Though he was an average student in school, Pawan had noticed certain
distinctive traits in him.
As the family moved towards the
parking lot outside the fair where their car was, Pawan looked at his son, who
was busy examining his new toy; an action figure. In the distant, the numerous
decorative lights on various rides and makeshift stalls were blinking
rhythmically as if they were also contemplating on their life in that fair.
When Pavitr was born, like any
exhilarating father, Pawan had also thought of a lot of things for his son, he
also had several expectations.
Unfortunately, it seemed none of them
were actually working the way he wanted them to be.
Lately, Pawan had noticed Pavitr was reading
fiction stories a lot. He had shown not much interest in science and maths
ever. Also, Pavitr was nowhere near as physically active as Pawan was. True, he
used to go out and play with other kids, but that was something he was not
really keen about.
Even though Pawan didn’t want to admit
it, sometimes he felt a mild disappointment and got worried about his son’s
future. His daughter, on the other hand, was quite a studious student and was
doing pretty well in school including science and maths; the two subjects that
Pawan always thought were the core of any kind of professional life afterwards and
which he thought were crucial for higher education.
However, there was a certain calmness
about Pavitr, that always used to reassure Pawan in an unexplainable way, as if
nothing could ever go wrong.
“Papa, you know Spider-Man was created
in 1962 and since then it has been one of the most popular superhero ever,”
Pavitr chimed happily, caressing his action figure.
Pawan didn’t say anything. He just
smiled and put his hand on his son’s head.
“He is so innocent,” Pawan said to
himself, “and vulnerable,” a voice came from far corner of his mind. Pawan
tried to shrug it off.
***
While entering the car, Pawan had no
idea how in a few years Pavitr will declare his absolute disinterest in science
or maths and would ask for pursuing a line of education that was completely
unfamiliar to Pawan.
“Interior designing has a very
promising career Papa,” Pavitr insisted, “There are numerous job scopes.”
“Arre, but how well you can be able to
earn, decorating other’s homes?” Pawan said, trying his best to suppress his anger,
“Is that even a job? Isn’t it done by architects?”
They had a bit of argument, which was
very rare, as Pavitr hardly ever refused Pawan over anything.
That night, while lying on his bed,
Pawan stared at the ceiling fan. he felt exactly the same way, 25 years ago,
when he had decided to go for a course in a faraway city against his father
will. He remembered how everyone in the
home was sad, including his elder brother and sister. His mother was in tears
and was sad to such an extent that she was unable to say anything.
Pawan knew he was hurting his family,
but he had a very distinctive confidence that he was unable to explain, even to
himself. He knew that what he was going to do, was crucial, necessary for his
later life. “I won’t be able to feel whole if I don’t do this,” Pawan had said
to his father.
Early in the morning when it hadn’t
even dawned properly, Pawan was ready with his luggage.
Everyone in the home
was asleep, except his parents. He went inside their room and touched their feet
without saying anything. Just when he was about to leave, his father called
him.
“Sit,” he said.
***
Pawan woke up next morning and went to
see Pavitr, who was already up and was on his computer as usual.
“Come here,” he said, “Sit,” he
motioned at Pavitr’s bed. Pavitr sat beside him.
“Are you really sure that you want to
do it?” he asked Pavitr, staring into his eyes. Pawan noticed that his son’s
eyes were reflecting the kind of determination that was not so unfamiliar to
him. He remembered the day when he was of the same age and was about to leave
for the college. Pawan had a feeling that Pavitr was as confident and
determined as he was back then.
“Yes,” Pavitr said simply, looking at
his father expectedly.
As Pawan was about to leave, Pavitr
called him from behind.
“Papa,” he said, “Do you really know
why I want to do this?”
Pawan turned and faced his son, trying
to read his face.
“Because I have been in the search of
myself for a long time. I think this course will help me find him, whom I lost
way back long ago.”
Like a flash, the memory crossed
Pawan’s mind.
Just when he was about to leave,
Pawan’s father had called, “Beta, baitho idhar.” He motioned towards his wooden
chair near the study table where he always used to sit while reading a book.
Pawan hesitantly sat on it.
“I know what is it,” his father said,
“I know how you feel.”
Really, Pawan thought to himself.
Putting a hand on his shoulder,
Pawan’s father smiled.
“We all need to find ourselves in one
way or other. The journey of life is all about losing and finding. We come to
this world with numerous ambitions and expectations. Sometimes they are met,
sometimes they are not. In the entire journey, we keep losing our old self
because it is crucial to move forward and find the ultimate purpose. However, once in a while, we need to find
that old self and tag him along because if it wasn’t for him, none of us would
have achieved whatever we have achieved. This is an infinite procedure and only
stops when you stop breathing.
“Here is some money. If you need more,
write a letter. I will send you the money order,” Pawan’s father handed him an
envelope and looked at him, smiling, “Go and find yourself. All the best.”
“I know it sounds silly,” Pavitr was
saying, “But I feel like I have lost a part of myself somewhere in the past,
which is irreplaceable. I don’t know how or why, but I have this feeling that
this course will help me find him and let me do well in my later life.”
After a momentarily pause, Pawan said,
“Fill up the online form today only and make the payment. Don’t delay. And
start preparing for the entrance.”
The smile on Pavitr’s face was enough
to let Pawan know how happy he was.
“I won’t disappoint you, Papa,” Pavitr
said.
Smiling, Pawan put his hand on his
hair softly. “I know you won’t.”
Sometimes, Pawan felt that with advent
of life, he lost himself in the crowd way back long ago.
However, he knew that
he found his old self; he could see it reflecting through his son, smiling reassuringly
at him.
THE END
